Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.