Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
When I said you had a āserial killer faceā I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Unpopular opinion: I donāt like that country song about that road.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear ātickets, please!ā as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg itās you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I donāt think thatās a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DONāT HURT ME
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
HBO decided to rename themselves āMaxā instead of so many other solid guy names like āKevinā or āBrianā.
God: bite into this onion like itās an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & Iāll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey āDonkeyā: I was thinking Dragon sir
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! šš„³š„³š„³ they left a first-floor window unlocked and iām just walking around in here!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Iām bored. Iām going to text my ex boyfriends and say āI have to talk to you, itās importantā and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess Iāll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[guy whoās about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Judge: youāre gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. Iāve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.