Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.