Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”