[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Body by Oreos
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!