(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
A little too much information.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?