Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.