The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG