Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
look at me when i’m typing to you
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.