“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
That 👊
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.