ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold