everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
This is so me 😂😂
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.