The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”