Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
True freaking story!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.