Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”