When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Traveler’s camo
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*