i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo