My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
i meant to share this earlier
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no