I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
This will never not be funny 😭
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler