While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That鈥檚 Incredible, it鈥檚 normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
You can rain on my parade but please don鈥檛 poop in my punch bowl.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it鈥檚 coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fianc茅 for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Remember when the internet didn鈥檛 exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.