Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.