[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.