Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I just ran a .003048K
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.