Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
🤣😂🤣
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
At least try to make it slightly believable
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume