Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Breakfast for Stoners:
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.