Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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unbelievably distressed by this ad
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”