“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
channeling her this year
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.