The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Body by cheese-puffs.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.