Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
She: I like Cats
He:
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me refusing to leave twitter
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?