If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.