I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.