I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me checking my bank balance online.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
same energy
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.