Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.