That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.