I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,