Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You Might Also Like
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.