You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Dune (2021)
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.