so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
just left a huge legacy in there