Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”