*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?