The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?