I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
shut up and take my money
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter