video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.