Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The internet is full of many things
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone