We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Sticker placement is key.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”