One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?