Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
January is lasting longer than my marriage
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.