Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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