My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.