The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that